Romance vs Manipulation

I’m proud of the strength that women hold nowadays. Yet, it is so disappointing to see that we have to continuously demand that our boundaries be respected rather than be granted from the beginning. Currently, Cardi B is in a rough place in her marriage. Her husband pulled the stunt of interrupting her performance with a grand gesture for her to take him back after he’s been caught cheating numerous times. Now, whether she takes him back or not is none of my business.

The problem I have with men is, why cheat and jeopardize losing someone you claim to love and care about so much in the first place? If you have it in you to go through all these extreme lengths to get someone back, wouldn’t it make more sense to use that energy while you already have this person’s attention to keep it? But men are the “more logical” species right? Right!

My problem with society is that there are people who are actually rooting for her to take him back because “people make mistakes and all men have cheated, so he deserves another chance“. Why is this the norm? Had the situation been reversed, no one would harass that man to forgive the woman and take her back. They’d call her all types of hoes.

I’m so passionate about this topic because this is my life. I left a man 4 years ago. During these years, he has tried everything to the best of his ability to get me back. Most recently, THREE DAYS AGO at my place of employment. Despite me making it very clear that I want him to leave me alone and that me taking him back is never happening. The romance behind stalking and harassing your ex until they take you back might work for some, but it ain’t my type of thing. You didn’t respect me during the relationship to treat me right and you don’t respect my boundaries post relationship after I’ve continuously ignored your efforts and asked you repeatedly to leave me alone and let me be.

Don’t lose my attention and put all this effort into trying to win me back because it’s just going to annoy me more. When I don’t care, I wholeheartedly don’t and that is the worst place you can be with me, because no gesture big enough or thing you say can move me to feel differently or change my mind. Why? More than likely, I’ve already given you plenty of chances to correct your mistakes and make right on your wrongdoing before I even got to the point of no longer caring. Your behavior is habitual and the only reason you care so much now is because you finally see it’s really not a game. The gestures are manipulative behavior and a way to try and soften me to change my mind.

Men think they can put you through all this bullshit and you will stick around and deal with it forever. “Oh she forgave me before, she’ll get over it”. While some may feel compelled to stick it out, I thank God I am one of those women who don’t have to and have matured to realize that I don’t need to. One of my biggest blessings in life is being able to walk away from toxic men easily without ever having to be bothered with them again in life unless I choose to. The best thing ever is being able to leave a relationship easily with absolutely no ties.

The narrative has to change. If the love comes with struggle, then I don’t want it. Of course you go through things in a relationship and the strongest marriages prevail. However, my idea of getting through tough times in a marriage doesn’t include cheating and numerous amounts of bullshit. That’s not something I count as having to work through to make it to those glory days. If you can’t treat me respectfully and good, you don’t deserve anything else from me. Only thing you can do is learn from the situation, correct your behavior and do better with the next woman in your life.

*cues Beyoncé’s Best Thing I Never Had*

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Not My Standard

I went to see my obgyn today and towards the end of my visit she said “You know if you want to get pregnant, today is the best day to have sex?” Now, I know she really didn’t have any ill intent behind, but I’m like, 🗣absolutely NOT! Ever since I turned 30, my freedom has been threatened to start a family of my own.

This year, there has been an extreme emphasis on the fact that I am single with no children. From my boss, clients, both my doctors, strangers in passing and even particular family members being concerned that someone such as myself, at my age could not have found love yet. I’ve heard “Oh, we’re going to have to do something about that.” or “Don’t you want to have children?” or the infamous “I’m going to pray for you!” after I state, there is no man in my life 🙄.

Now, I won’t say that I don’t desire marriage because I believe that love is the most beautiful thing in this world. To have a committed, loyal partnership in this life is a blessing. However, I do not feel negatively about my current relationship and familial status the way that people think I should. I don’t feel the pressure people place upon me and I am not desperate to lock any man that wants to be with me down. I literally live my life as freely as possible no matter if a man is coming or going.

I only want what God wants for me. If God wants me married, then when the universe sees fit that it is my time, I am positive that I will be ready and willing to accept the assignment. I don’t want children unless I am married. These are both standards that have remained constant through every season of my growth. I personally feel that no man is worth bearing the pain of child labor for that did not feel that I was worthy to make his wife first. And if marriage and children are not meant for me in this lifetime, I am perfectly fine with that as well.

In the meantime, creating a life that no one can take from me is the best focus I can have as I continue to develop myself as a better overall human being in society. Whatever is meant to be will be and whatever isn’t won’t happen. It’s that simple! As long as I never lose myself again or compromise my standards for a relationship as a desperate attempt to fit other’s perceptions of what a woman should have or should be, I am fine.

Birthday Behavior – 30 on 30💕🎉👑

“I’ve found that luck is quite predictable. If you want more luck, take more chances, be more active, show up more often.”  — Brian Tracy

*screams internally*

Waking up in Costa Rica on this 30th day for my 30th year is a blessing in itself. May every year of my entire 30’s begin in a new destination as long as Allah grants me the will to do so 🙏🏽. May I never take the luxuries I have access to for granted. May I embrace every new experience and cultivate it for the enrichment of my life’s journey. Amen!

For the first time ever, I don’t want to be as vulnerable. Yet, I promise to always remain transparent. I’ve always written from my heart and shared the things I’ve experienced and what I have learned most from my previous year of birth. However, this year, I feel it’s time to move in a different direction. Becoming more private and embracing my life – the bad and the good alone, in hopes that it will block outer interference and push me to new levels and truly grow. I’ve been going through my saturn return since January and with 5 more months left – as my life continues to transform, I just want to be quiet. The battle I am facing with who I am as a person, how I feel, what I want and what I need, is not open for discussion with anyone else other than God and myself. There is still something I am in search of. I don’t have all the answers and to be honest, I don’t know what that something is. I know I carry myself with dignity and grace, but I promise I don’t have it all together. When you see me, understand, I am still trying to figure life out just like the next person. I didn’t even know who I was until a few years ago and now I don’t even feel like that person is me anymore. There are parts of me that have been sleep and I can’t play with time any longer. 🗣I NEED TO WAKE THE HELL UP! I felt fulfilled months ago and now the thought of being complacent is terrifying. Comfort has become scary to me because I never want to settle for the bare minimum. It’s time to move larger in life; make something more of myself; give more of myself. I’ve come so far and have accomplished so much to be where I am today, but I know there are things I need to be honest about and change within myself before I can transcend to this next level. I’ve slipped back into some old behaviors and I refuse to not learn the lesson, fail the tests and repeat the same old cycles.

On the flip side as I have gotten closer to this day, I’ve taken heed on how confident I am within myself. I spend way more time by myself nowadays. More often than I used to. I move at the beat of my own drum every single day and work on my own time. There is not one other person’s company I currently crave more than my own. I am at my most peaceful state when I am alone. Self love has become my main priority. There are so many things about me that I love, but there are just as many things about me that I am discovering that hinders my elevation. This period has been conducive to helping me identify with and shedding those behaviors.

“Calling yourself out on your own bullshit is primary self-care.”

– Ayishat A. Akanbi

To the people that have been patient and understanding with me as I grow through this next phase, I thank you so much. Your grace has been a lesson in itself. I pray that you are more pleased with the improved and healed me that is awaiting to greet you on the other side. Cheers 🥂 to 30: All the preparation is going to finally pay off because God is…!

***BONUS***

30 Life Lessons I’ve Learned In 30 Years

  1. Everyone is growing. You either grow with or outgrow each other.
  2. Meditation will change your life.
  3. Never be afraid to ask for assistance. We can’t do it all.
  4. Learn to accept constructive criticism without feeling attacked.
  5. People will say a lot without any action for as long as you accept it.
  6. Not everyone deserves access to your love.
  7. Your comfort zone is a dangerous place. Never remain complacent.
  8. If you’re not passionate about it, is it really worth the time?
  9. Longevity is key.
  10. Know your worth + add tax, and never compromise it.
  11. Continuously learn. You never know what doors a new skill will open for you.
  12. Look good and smell good, but don’t forget your confidence. It’ll take you far!
  13. Read often and watch how your vocabulary naturally advances.
  14. Experience is life’s best teacher.
  15. You can’t avoid setbacks but no matter the circumstance, you can bounce back.
  16. Learn the lesson to avoid repeating the test.
  17. Resilience/Dedication/Consistency will pay off. Don’t ever give up on your dreams.
  18. Don’t rush life trying to beat a time table. God has the final say.
  19. Be flexible.
  20. Spontaneity in moderation is a thrill worth feeling.
  21. Be honest with yourself and own your shit.
  22. Healthy love is the only option. Don’t let them convince you of anything less than.
  23. You can’t predict the future but you can take the necessary actions to create it.
  24. There is nothing wrong with seeing a therapist.
  25. You can’t change anyone other than yourself.
  26. Life goes on.
  27. People will pick apart your truth no matter what it is. Rumors/Opinions don’t deserve your attention.
  28. Self care is a necessity. You need time to recharge often.
  29. Never place your happiness in the hands of someone else.
  30. Everyone has their own definition of loyalty. Make sure you are knowledgeable of theirs.

Insecurity

In my opinion, if a person is loud about something, that is what they are most insecure about. I remember when I was in a not so good relationship. I constantly reminded everybody how so in love I was or how good we were by daily social media post, but that was furthest from the truth most of the time. There’s a thin line between insecurity and actually being proud of something. Nothing shows just how secure and at peace you are about something more than the ability to not have to show you are just that. When you actually have it, you don’t feel the need to be loud about it.

9 Ways To Increase Your Vibration

Transcend the negativity & vibrate higher.

1. Questions – transcending illusions requires you to question them. Illusions are beliefs we give our power to, they are designed to keep us living through the ego – which keeps our vibrations at a low level. When we question our reality & what we think we know – then we have the potential to transcend illusions, which raises our frequency. It’s like lifting a veil that’s been tightly fitted since birth, keep in mind that this will take time and there are many layers to every illusion.

2. Love – build your life around what you enjoy. Surrounding ourselves with the people, places and things we love will help us move into the love vibration – which is the highest vibrational state. When we’re doing what we love with the people we love our vibration will increase, the opposite is true when we surround ourselves with things we hate – our vibration will remain at a lower frequency.

3. Breath – your signal to the universe. When we take long, deep breaths we are sending a signal to the universe to say “I have an abundance of air” – as opposed to short, sharp breaths that send out a signal of lack. Having the mindset of abundance raises our vibrational frequency – attracting more abundance to us in other areas of our lives. 

4. Food – love your body. The body is our vessel & when we feed it healthy foods we increase our vibrations because we are showing love to ourselves & the body. Processed foods, sugary drinks and toxic drugs like alcohol are the most common culprits for keeping our vibrations low.

5. Thoughts – how we think determines how we live. To increase our vibration we need to think higher vibrational thoughts – love, peace, abundance – but that can be difficult at times. The best way to think these thoughts is to align our actions with the kind of thoughts we want to create because our actions create our thoughts. It’s a lot easier to think in a higher vibrational way when we’re around the people, places & things we love – so distancing ourselves from negativity is a great way to increase our vibration.

6. Nature – vibe with the planet. Mother nature offers us a higher vibrational environment for us to align ourselves with. Observe how everything behaves in nature and take note of sights, sounds, feelings & smells – make time to relax around some greenery. Breathing in fresh oxygen from the trees is another great way to raise our vibration.

7. Creativity – expression from the soul. We are not our bodies or minds, we are the consciousness that drives the vessel – allow it to express itself creatively to tune into who we truly are and we will notice our vibration increasing. Singing, dancing, painting, drawing & even washing the dishes can all be creative outlets – almost anything can be an opportunity for us to express ourselves creatively and this allows us to enter the love vibration.

8. Knowledge – true wisdom is knowing the extent of one’s own ignorance. When we acknowledge how much we don’t know we move out of ignorance – this opens the possibilities for us to learn more and through this acquisition of knowledge we can raise our vibrational frequency. The pursuit of knowledge lasts our whole lifetimes, but requires us to dissolve the egoic delusion that we are already knowledgable enough. We can liberate our own ignorance with knowledge & patience.

9. Gratitude – give thanks for the good & the bad. Increasing our vibration requires us to acknowledge that there is no such thing as good or bad – with this in mind we can give thanks for every experience because of what they have been sent to teach us. Becoming grateful for everything in our lives is the best hack to increasing our vibration because we move into the abundance mindset and attract more of what we are thankful for. Give thanks for everything you love in life and watch more of it roll in.

source: SpoonOfConsciousness.Tumblr.Com

Timing

When it comes to timing, Christians always say, “God’s timing is sufficient.” Which we are taught to be patient for things to come to pass; for we shall rest in Him and trust that His timing is perfect. When you have a plan but you have to wait on Him for the execution. Well, what do you do when life happens and forces you to move way ahead of your scheduled plan? What do you do when you are not fully prepared with the resources to make a change earlier than expected? That’s where I currently am. I had a set time of when I was going to make a bold move, however, a year ahead of my plan, life has forced me to make that transition now. I must say, this is much scarier than sitting and being patient. I have patience. Being forced to make a change when you already had everything mapped out? Now, that’s a shake up I was not well prepared for. I’m just not ready. Then I thought, if I continue to procrastinate I might become habitual in always putting it off. Waiting for the right moment often leads to waiting forever. Yet, in the same instance, I am being taught that in this push, I have to trust that this is His perfect timing. He’s got me and no matter where I land, I will be where I am meant to be.

Expirez!

Independence & Freedom

“Maybe some women aren’t meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free until they find someone just as wild to run with them.”
-Carrie Bradshaw

I was always told that I run away from my relationships. I have such an independent spirit. Giving up my freedom to a man who feels as though he owns me is terrifying. I’m such a lover and I love the act of being in love, but in that love, the ideal situation is not suffocating. I don’t like following rules or being told what I should or shouldn’t do. And the same goes for a relationship. I rather just be me as I allow the man to be himself and being accepting of each other’s differences. If there is communication and trust present, shouldn’t you feel secure in knowing that your mate will respect your relationship no matter how they choose to think, speak, or act? I’m a carefree person at heart and if you know me, you know I move at the beat of my own drum. I don’t do what everyone else is doing, I don’t do what is expected of me. I do exactly what it is that I want to do, when I want to do it. I’m a real nonconformist.

I’ve felt trapped in relationships because of the way that the guy would always try to control me or for lack of better words, tame me. As a result of this, I’ve always had to separate my love life from my social life. It almost felt as though I was living a separate life and then I’d come home to this relationship. Basically, I always needed an escape from the relationship. I am both introvert and extrovert, and both sides are on the extreme ends. That extrovert part of me is what the men in my life have attempted to control and has only caused me to pull away, more and more; causing a drift between us. If I have to be away from the relationship to be my truest self, I’m only going to seek that route more often than not. Which creates distance. The ideal situation to me is exactly as the quote above says, I am not meant to be tamed. The guy for me will run freely, embracing a soaring view on life with me. Two independent and free souls, merging together to take on life while we build, expand and have all the fun doing it together.

My new guy is a limitless spirit such as myself. We have free-form rules, meaning there are none, the options are endless; it’s all based on what works for us two and our bond at any given moment. I doubt this, but even if we were to never marry or last a lifetime as a couple, I’m keeping him in my life forever. He’s really my best friend. And as he’s welcoming me into his world, I never feel constricted nor constrained by him. As important as it is to maintain your own identity outside of a relationship, I think it’s just as healthy to be able to share parts of your world with your mate and vice versa. Confidence has probably been the major quality we both possess that makes it work. It’s just so easy between us. I’m optimistic on how together, what we will create with our equally expansive and imaginative existences.