Romance vs Manipulation

I’m proud of the strength that women hold nowadays. Yet, it is so disappointing to see that we have to continuously demand that our boundaries be respected rather than be granted from the beginning. Currently, Cardi B is in a rough place in her marriage. Her husband pulled the stunt of interrupting her performance with a grand gesture for her to take him back after he’s been caught cheating numerous times. Now, whether she takes him back or not is none of my business.

The problem I have with men is, why cheat and jeopardize losing someone you claim to love and care about so much in the first place? If you have it in you to go through all these extreme lengths to get someone back, wouldn’t it make more sense to use that energy while you already have this person’s attention to keep it? But men are the “more logical” species right? Right!

My problem with society is that there are people who are actually rooting for her to take him back because “people make mistakes and all men have cheated, so he deserves another chance“. Why is this the norm? Had the situation been reversed, no one would harass that man to forgive the woman and take her back. They’d call her all types of hoes.

I’m so passionate about this topic because this is my life. I left a man 4 years ago. During these years, he has tried everything to the best of his ability to get me back. Most recently, THREE DAYS AGO at my place of employment. Despite me making it very clear that I want him to leave me alone and that me taking him back is never happening. The romance behind stalking and harassing your ex until they take you back might work for some, but it ain’t my type of thing. You didn’t respect me during the relationship to treat me right and you don’t respect my boundaries post relationship after I’ve continuously ignored your efforts and asked you repeatedly to leave me alone and let me be.

Don’t lose my attention and put all this effort into trying to win me back because it’s just going to annoy me more. When I don’t care, I wholeheartedly don’t and that is the worst place you can be with me, because no gesture big enough or thing you say can move me to feel differently or change my mind. Why? More than likely, I’ve already given you plenty of chances to correct your mistakes and make right on your wrongdoing before I even got to the point of no longer caring. Your behavior is habitual and the only reason you care so much now is because you finally see it’s really not a game. The gestures are manipulative behavior and a way to try and soften me to change my mind.

Men think they can put you through all this bullshit and you will stick around and deal with it forever. “Oh she forgave me before, she’ll get over it”. While some may feel compelled to stick it out, I thank God I am one of those women who don’t have to and have matured to realize that I don’t need to. One of my biggest blessings in life is being able to walk away from toxic men easily without ever having to be bothered with them again in life unless I choose to. The best thing ever is being able to leave a relationship easily with absolutely no ties.

The narrative has to change. If the love comes with struggle, then I don’t want it. Of course you go through things in a relationship and the strongest marriages prevail. However, my idea of getting through tough times in a marriage doesn’t include cheating and numerous amounts of bullshit. That’s not something I count as having to work through to make it to those glory days. If you can’t treat me respectfully and good, you don’t deserve anything else from me. Only thing you can do is learn from the situation, correct your behavior and do better with the next woman in your life.

*cues BeyoncĂ©’s Best Thing I Never Had*

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Karmic Relationship vs Life Partner

I wrote pertaining to soulmates about a year ago and I have to stand corrected. I was so in bliss over my new relationship that I made a mistake. Discrediting my previous relationship as a soul mate just because it showed up in a different form. 

In theory, a karmic relationship is a person (can be friends, family or a lover) who is aligned with your soul but they are with you only to challenge your soul or influence or awaken you in some way or another. They fulfill a passion or desire that needs to be learned. The relationship is emotional driven, full of highs and lows. A karmic relationship teaches you lessons by stirring and pushing you to a higher state of consciousness. After you’ve transcended and the assignment or guidance is complete, physical separation typically happens.

Karmic relationships arrive at a specific time when something needs to find closure. Amazing lessons come through these relationships. The love that is shared is ecstatic and is full of hard obstacles. The two of you are trying to find footing in a relationship that brings out the best and worst in each other. 

Karmic relationships have a deep connection through heart and consciousness. They hit the ego and bring about turmoil. The relationships are intense and full of transitions. These beautiful experiences usually end in broken hearts. They bring with them karmic lessons that need to be completed in this incarnation.

On the other hand, a life partner is a companion, a friend, the person you depend on to assist you through life. The relationship is based on logical and intellectual stimulation. You are both in sync with eachother’s needs and wants. They are the support that encourages you to take risks. They have similar interests in your life and are spiritually and emotionally connected without egotistical notions. You feel at ease with this person. There is a sense of security in the relationship and the trust transitions into a friendship that is profound and everlasting. Regardless of the obstacles that occur in life, they stick around like a pillar of strength. This causes love to grow more and more everyday.

Life partners arrive at a moment when there is self love and acceptance. You are no longer needing to fulfill an emptiness that cannot be explained. These partners join you with similar stories. They are there for the long haul.

Regardless of how much heartache I’ve experienced when I was in my karmic relationship, I’m certain that he arrived not a minute later than I was ready for him. So I’m grateful for the encounter. He brought things out of me that I never knew existed on the highs and lows. It was challenging and very extreme on the positive and negative side, but the growth that occurred was tremendous. I was constantly being shown myself and I still remember vividly, the moment I knew I had finally mastered the lessons that I was destined to fulfill and was ready for separation. I had reached that next level. As a result, when my life partner showed up, I was prepared, open and accepting of the relationship. There was a magnetic feeling, a knowing that automatically attracted me to him. Which typically happens when you meet a soulmate. Now granted, we have many similarities, simultaneously, we also have many differences that have enhanced our emotional connection. We’re always eager to know more about one another and it’s a constant experience of learning and teaching eachother. Yet our values and beliefs resonate and combine so well. Each conversation is just enjoyable and it’s been the most refreshing relationship I’ve ever known. He’s my best friend and everything about him has been exciting and feels new. He feels like home and as cliche as this sounds, I now know, everything happens for a reason.

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mate’s purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master…”
— Elizabeth Gilbert


Source: powerofpositivity.com

The Breakup Game

It should no longer be a secret that women typically break up with a man long before she ACTUALLY breaks up with him. I am no different. We emotionally detach ourselves before we can physically move on. It’s kind of fucked up when you think about it, because the man rarely ever sees it coming, even though, depending on the circumstances, he’d be an idiot to not believe that the day would soon come. Women give many warning signs that the end is drawing near in a relationship in hopes that a man will get his shit together before it’s too late. From constant nagging, to erratic behavior changes, to often times, many mini breakups (also known as needing some space). So why is it that soon as the woman has the courage to leave, this same man, all of a sudden has an awakening of either (1.) deciding to finally change his fuck boy behavior (2.) realizing that this woman was the best thing that ever happened to him and/or (3.) finally feeling guilty and sorry about his actions?

I don’t regret you but sometimes I wish I had walked away at the start and left things at hello.

Women, ya’ll know how the routine goes: *cues violin music* The man that you stuck with, who constantly took advantage of the love you gave, ironically, once you realize you deserve better for yourself, because trust me, there is always better, he now knows he was such a horrible man to you; he’s finally ready to change those behaviors and he can’t live without you. *blank stare* If you’re wise enough, you’ll know that this is a bullshit attempt to get you back, and although it sometimes is genuine, it’s most times, manipulation. I personally believe from experience, that once you walk away, keep walking and don’t turn back. Why? Simple, men are creatures of habit and if he knows that whatever he did and said to get you back that one time worked, it will work again in the future. I wasted so much time playing this game in a relationship. It wasn’t until I fully gained respect for myself to stop settling in that mediocrity situation that my ex finally got the picture. At least I think he did. And hopefully this will teach him to take better care and pay more attention to his next relationship. But I know he will never learn the lesson if I were to go back. I just thank God, I have no desire at all to do so. A second (more like 768,364th, because women are always forgiving) chance shouldn’t be taken lightly. Trust takes thrice as much effort to gain back as it did to lose.

 

Independence & Freedom

“Maybe some women aren’t meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free until they find someone just as wild to run with them.”
-Carrie Bradshaw

I was always told that I run away from my relationships. I have such an independent spirit. Giving up my freedom to a man who feels as though he owns me is terrifying. I’m such a lover and I love the act of being in love, but in that love, the ideal situation is not suffocating. I don’t like following rules or being told what I should or shouldn’t do. And the same goes for a relationship. I rather just be me as I allow the man to be himself and being accepting of each other’s differences. If there is communication and trust present, shouldn’t you feel secure in knowing that your mate will respect your relationship no matter how they choose to think, speak, or act? I’m a carefree person at heart and if you know me, you know I move at the beat of my own drum. I don’t do what everyone else is doing, I don’t do what is expected of me. I do exactly what it is that I want to do, when I want to do it. I’m a real nonconformist.

I’ve felt trapped in relationships because of the way that the guy would always try to control me or for lack of better words, tame me. As a result of this, I’ve always had to separate my love life from my social life. It almost felt as though I was living a separate life and then I’d come home to this relationship. Basically, I always needed an escape from the relationship. I am both introvert and extrovert, and both sides are on the extreme ends. That extrovert part of me is what the men in my life have attempted to control and has only caused me to pull away, more and more; causing a drift between us. If I have to be away from the relationship to be my truest self, I’m only going to seek that route more often than not. Which creates distance. The ideal situation to me is exactly as the quote above says, I am not meant to be tamed. The guy for me will run freely, embracing a soaring view on life with me. Two independent and free souls, merging together to take on life while we build, expand and have all the fun doing it together.

My new guy is a limitless spirit such as myself. We have free-form rules, meaning there are none, the options are endless; it’s all based on what works for us two and our bond at any given moment. I doubt this, but even if we were to never marry or last a lifetime as a couple, I’m keeping him in my life forever. He’s really my best friend. And as he’s welcoming me into his world, I never feel constricted nor constrained by him. As important as it is to maintain your own identity outside of a relationship, I think it’s just as healthy to be able to share parts of your world with your mate and vice versa. Confidence has probably been the major quality we both possess that makes it work. It’s just so easy between us. I’m optimistic on how together, what we will create with our equally expansive and imaginative existences.

Dear Woman


An excerpt from the book titled Dear Woman by Michael Reid

I love this because I can totally relate. Stay ready so you never have to get ready. & the first step is by not wasting your time with randoms and space-fillers because you’ll either be too distracted or blocking the right person intended for you to come forward. I promise, when he does show up, it really will feel exactly as stated: He’ll love your mind first … He’ll prove to you that trust isn’t just a word; that love isn’t just a feeling.

It’ll be worth the wait!

Unpopular Opinion on Marriage

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I’ve said this time and time again, I am not the one who will marry for love. I want to be a wife, can’t wait to be one actually,  however, marriage is a business arrangement. I most definitely would be married right now if I did so based on love. However, when I reflect on every guy that I could’ve been a wife to at this time in my life, I’m certain that I would also either be extremely miserable, divorced or going through one. Why? Because none had all of the key qualifiers that I know would make me actually want to be submissive to maintain that marriage. Now granted, love is great, and I certainly plan to love my future husband, but that love will not be a sustainable reason for me conjoining the rest of my life with his and building a familial foundation. Love just shouldn’t be the reasoning to make major life decisions because it’s fickle. Hell, I’m fickle. Feelings change all of the time. It’s just not a secure foundation for me. I need to be able to trust your ability to lead me and our future family.

I recently ended a relationship a few months ago. He came to me and said “Let’s just get married, tomorrow.” And as much as the idea of being a wife sounded exciting, a red flag went up. I had such an unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach. So, I said to him, “Let’s see how smooth things go for awhile (we were definitely in a rocky place) and if we are still doing good in a few months, we can do it.” But what I really was doing is buying time. I reflected to myself that night, trying to make sense of that uneasy feeling and what it all meant. Truth is, what I needed in a husband, in order for me to trust and be submissive, he wasn’t it. From that moment on, I knew in my heart, after a nine year, off and on relationship, that if I couldn’t marry him now, I never would. I can’t settle so why am I continuing to waste both of our time? There were definitely other factors correlated as to why I wouldn’t marry him, but this was the most important reason why I needed to end that relationship. You see, I KNEW we wouldn’t “do good” within those few months, and when the battle became too consuming for me to move forward, I left, with no remorse and have never looked back. I walked away knowing exactly what it is that I want and need from a man to prevent me from wasting so much of my time and the discernment to know when to walk away from a situation that isn’t conducive to my life.

What are the attributes that I consider, marriage worthy? Being compatible, sharing the same life goals and ideologies, having financial stability, attentiveness/romantic, being emotionally mature, ambitious, enterprising and supportive are what I consider the key qualities for a potential husband. That is what will make me want to submit forever to one man.  How can I build a legacy with a man when we’re on two different pages? How can we form a secure life and leave wealth behind for our succeeding generations when we’re too busy fighting each other; arguing over things that we don’t see eye-to-eye on regularly because we’re incompatible and have different perspectives on what we want in our personal and family life? That’s a dead end road, leading to destruction. You don’t have to argue and fight with your husband all of the time. Yes, there will be disagreements every now and then, but consistently fighting? It’s just not healthy. I sincerely believe that a relationship does not have to hurt or be difficult. Marriage isn’t something to play around with and I’d rather have substance than settle just for a title. I didn’t care much about the differences I had with my previous boyfriends, but since I’ve matured and need to consider the bigger picture (marriage), compatibility matters the most. Being able to exist and perform together in harmony without constant problems or conflict with a man that I plan to be with for the rest of my life is the only importance. Not LOVE! You can love and not like a person. You can love and not trust a person. I need it all: like, trust & love!