Not My Standard

I went to see my obgyn today and towards the end of my visit she said “You know if you want to get pregnant, today is the best day to have sex?” Now, I know she really didn’t have any ill intent behind, but I’m like, đź—Łabsolutely NOT! Ever since I turned 30, my freedom has been threatened to start a family of my own.

This year, there has been an extreme emphasis on the fact that I am single with no children. From my boss, clients, both my doctors, strangers in passing and even particular family members being concerned that someone such as myself, at my age could not have found love yet. I’ve heard “Oh, we’re going to have to do something about that.” or “Don’t you want to have children?” or the infamous “I’m going to pray for you!” after I state, there is no man in my life 🙄.

Now, I won’t say that I don’t desire marriage because I believe that love is the most beautiful thing in this world. To have a committed, loyal partnership in this life is a blessing. However, I do not feel negatively about my current relationship and familial status the way that people think I should. I don’t feel the pressure people place upon me and I am not desperate to lock any man that wants to be with me down. I literally live my life as freely as possible no matter if a man is coming or going.

I only want what God wants for me. If God wants me married, then when the universe sees fit that it is my time, I am positive that I will be ready and willing to accept the assignment. I don’t want children unless I am married. These are both standards that have remained constant through every season of my growth. I personally feel that no man is worth bearing the pain of child labor for that did not feel that I was worthy to make his wife first. And if marriage and children are not meant for me in this lifetime, I am perfectly fine with that as well.

In the meantime, creating a life that no one can take from me is the best focus I can have as I continue to develop myself as a better overall human being in society. Whatever is meant to be will be and whatever isn’t won’t happen. It’s that simple! As long as I never lose myself again or compromise my standards for a relationship as a desperate attempt to fit other’s perceptions of what a woman should have or should be, I am fine.

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Unpopular Opinion on Marriage

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I’ve said this time and time again, I am not the one who will marry for love. I want to be a wife, can’t wait to be one actually,  however, marriage is a business arrangement. I most definitely would be married right now if I did so based on love. However, when I reflect on every guy that I could’ve been a wife to at this time in my life, I’m certain that I would also either be extremely miserable, divorced or going through one. Why? Because none had all of the key qualifiers that I know would make me actually want to be submissive to maintain that marriage. Now granted, love is great, and I certainly plan to love my future husband, but that love will not be a sustainable reason for me conjoining the rest of my life with his and building a familial foundation. Love just shouldn’t be the reasoning to make major life decisions because it’s fickle. Hell, I’m fickle. Feelings change all of the time. It’s just not a secure foundation for me. I need to be able to trust your ability to lead me and our future family.

I recently ended a relationship a few months ago. He came to me and said “Let’s just get married, tomorrow.” And as much as the idea of being a wife sounded exciting, a red flag went up. I had such an unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach. So, I said to him, “Let’s see how smooth things go for awhile (we were definitely in a rocky place) and if we are still doing good in a few months, we can do it.” But what I really was doing is buying time. I reflected to myself that night, trying to make sense of that uneasy feeling and what it all meant. Truth is, what I needed in a husband, in order for me to trust and be submissive, he wasn’t it. From that moment on, I knew in my heart, after a nine year, off and on relationship, that if I couldn’t marry him now, I never would. I can’t settle so why am I continuing to waste both of our time? There were definitely other factors correlated as to why I wouldn’t marry him, but this was the most important reason why I needed to end that relationship. You see, I KNEW we wouldn’t “do good” within those few months, and when the battle became too consuming for me to move forward, I left, with no remorse and have never looked back. I walked away knowing exactly what it is that I want and need from a man to prevent me from wasting so much of my time and the discernment to know when to walk away from a situation that isn’t conducive to my life.

What are the attributes that I consider, marriage worthy? Being compatible, sharing the same life goals and ideologies, having financial stability, attentiveness/romantic, being emotionally mature, ambitious, enterprising and supportive are what I consider the key qualities for a potential husband. That is what will make me want to submit forever to one man.  How can I build a legacy with a man when we’re on two different pages? How can we form a secure life and leave wealth behind for our succeeding generations when we’re too busy fighting each other; arguing over things that we don’t see eye-to-eye on regularly because we’re incompatible and have different perspectives on what we want in our personal and family life? That’s a dead end road, leading to destruction. You don’t have to argue and fight with your husband all of the time. Yes, there will be disagreements every now and then, but consistently fighting? It’s just not healthy. I sincerely believe that a relationship does not have to hurt or be difficult. Marriage isn’t something to play around with and I’d rather have substance than settle just for a title. I didn’t care much about the differences I had with my previous boyfriends, but since I’ve matured and need to consider the bigger picture (marriage), compatibility matters the most. Being able to exist and perform together in harmony without constant problems or conflict with a man that I plan to be with for the rest of my life is the only importance. Not LOVE! You can love and not like a person. You can love and not trust a person. I need it all: like, trust & love!