Romance vs Manipulation

I’ve blogged about this topic before but it is still a reoccurring thing in my life and this week triggered my thoughts.

I’m also inspired by the current topic on Twitter to discuss the matter more. Currently, Cardi B is in a rough place in her marriage. Her husband pulled the stunt of interrupting her performance with a grand gesture for her to take him back after he’s been caught cheating numerous times. Now, whether she takes him back or not is none of my business.

The problem I have with men is, why cheat and jeopardize losing someone you claim to love and care about so much in the first place? If you have it in you to go through all these extreme lengths to get someone back, wouldn’t it make more sense to use that energy while you already have this person’s attention to keep it? But men are the “more logical” species right? Right!

My problem with society is that there are people who are actually rooting for her to take him back because people make mistakes and all men have cheated, so he deserves another chance. Why is this the norm? Had the situation been reversed, no one would harass that man to forgive the woman and take her. They’d call her all types of hoes.

I’m so passionate about this topic because this is my life. I left a man almost 4 years ago. During these years, he has tried everything to the best of his ability to get me back. Most recently, THREE DAYS AGO at my place of employment. Despite me making it very clear that I want him to leave me alone and that me taking him back is never happening. The romance behind stalking and harassing your ex until they take you back might work for some, but it ain’t my type of thing. You didn’t respect me during the relationship to treat me right and you don’t respect me post relationship after I’ve continuously ignored your efforts and asked you repeatedly to leave me alone and let me be.

Don’t lose my attention and put all this effort into trying to win me back because it’s just going to annoy me more. When I don’t care, I wholeheartedly don’t and that is the worst place you can be with me, because no gesture big enough or thing you say can move me to feel differently or change my mind. Why? More than likely, I’ve already given you plenty of chances to correct your mistakes and make right on your wrongdoing before I even got to the point of no longer caring. Your behavior is habitual and the only reason you care so much now is because you finally see it’s really not a game. The gestures are manipulative behavior and a way to try and soften me to change my mind.

Men think they can put you through all this bullshit and you will stick around and deal with it forever. “Oh she forgave me before, she’ll get over it”. While some may feel compelled to stick it out, I thank God I am one of those women who don’t have to and have matured to realize that I don’t need to. One of my biggest blessings in life is being able to walk away from toxic men easily without ever having to be bothered with them again in life unless I choose to. The best thing ever is being able to leave a relationship with absolutely no ties.

The narrative has to change. If the love comes with struggle, then I don’t want it. Of course you go through things in a relationship and the strongest marriages prevail. However, my idea of getting through tough things in a marriage doesn’t include cheating and numerous amounts of bullshit. That’s not something I count as having to work through to make it to those glory days. If you can’t treat me right and respectfully, you don’t deserve anything else from me. Only thing you can do is learn from the situation, correct your behavior and do better with the next woman in your life.

*cues Beyoncé’s Best Thing I Never Had*

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Not My Standard

I went to see my obgyn today and towards the end of my visit she said “You know if you want to get pregnant, today is the best day to have sex?” Now, I know she really didn’t have any ill intent behind, but I’m like, 🗣absolutely NOT! Ever since I turned 30, my freedom has been threatened to start a family of my own.

This year, there has been an extreme emphasis on the fact that I am single with no children. From my boss, clients, both my doctors, strangers in passing and even particular family members being concerned that someone such as myself, at my age could not have found love yet. I’ve heard “Oh, we’re going to have to do something about that.” or “Don’t you want to have children?” or the infamous “I’m going to pray for you!” after I state, there is no man in my life 🙄.

Now, I won’t say that I don’t desire marriage because I believe that love is the most beautiful thing in this world. To have a committed, loyal partnership in this life is a blessing. However, I do not feel negatively about my current relationship and familial status the way that people think I should. I don’t feel the pressure people place upon me and I am not desperate to lock any man that wants to be with me down. I literally live my life as freely as possible no matter if a man is coming or going.

I only want what God wants for me. If God wants me married, then when the universe sees fit that it is my time, I am positive that I will be ready and willing to accept the assignment. I don’t want children unless I am married. These are both standards that have remained constant through every season of my growth. I personally feel that no man is worth bearing the pain of child labor for that did not feel that I was worthy to make his wife first. And if marriage and children are not meant for me in this lifetime, I am perfectly fine with that as well.

In the meantime, creating a life that no one can take from me is the best focus I can have as I continue to develop myself as a better overall human being in society. Whatever is meant to be will be and whatever isn’t won’t happen. It’s that simple! As long as I never lose myself again or compromise my standards for a relationship as a desperate attempt to fit other’s perceptions of what a woman should have or should be, I am fine.

Dubai, U.A.E.

  • Dubai/Abu Dhabi, United Arab Emirates
  • September 2018
  • Girls Trip

By far, the best vacation I have had in my life thus far. This says a lot because before, Disney World has always been my favorite place. Dubai was all that and then some. We had such a ball that I literally feel as though a week wasn’t enough. I could have certainly stayed for another 4 to 7 days. While it was the best trip, it was certainly the most expensive. It was worth every penny though. Surprisingly, I still came home with half of my spending money unspent.

We spent a day at a pool/day party, rented a yacht in the marina, visited the tallest building in the world: Burj Khalifa, The Atlantis, views of the only 7 star Burj Al Arab hotel, the beautiful Grand Mosque, Louvre Museum Abu Dhabi, The Gold Souk, Water show at The Dubai Mall, City Center, the amazing Desert Safari experience and made new friends in between.

Punta Cana, Dominican Republic

  • Punta Cana, Dominican Republic
  • June/July 2018
  • Family Vacation

I understand traveling could be viewed as a luxury, but I was amazed at how affordable Punta Cana was lol. This was my family vacation destination this year and we had an absolute blast. A place that everyone of all ages, from 2 to 60 thoroughly enjoyed. From dune buggies, beautiful beaches, parasailing, a party boat and some amazing rose wine, Dominican Republic was a great decision.

 

Liberia, Guanacaste, Costa Rica

  • Liberia, Costa Rica
  • April/May 2018
  • Birthday Vacation

Costa Rica was absolutely beautiful and humbling at the same time. Although we were right in the middle of the tropical rainforest, we were surrounded by a very under privileged area. We enjoyed horseback riding, zip lining, mud baths, hot spring, and massages on the beach to sum up this short getaway. I would highly recommend Costa Rica as a place to see. I also certainly plan to revisit in the near future.

Birthday Behavior – 30 on 30💕🎉👑

“I’ve found that luck is quite predictable. If you want more luck, take more chances, be more active, show up more often.”  — Brian Tracy

*screams internally*

Waking up in Costa Rica on this 30th day for my 30th year is a blessing in itself. May every year of my entire 30’s begin in a new destination as long as Allah grants me the will to do so 🙏🏽. May I never take the luxuries I have access to for granted. May I embrace every new experience and cultivate it for the enrichment of my life’s journey. Amen!

For the first time ever, I don’t want to be as vulnerable. Yet, I promise to always remain transparent. I’ve always written from my heart and shared the things I’ve experienced and what I have learned most from my previous year of birth. However, this year, I feel it’s time to move in a different direction. Becoming more private and embracing my life – the bad and the good alone, in hopes that it will block outer interference and push me to new levels and truly grow. I’ve been going through my saturn return since January and with 5 more months left – as my life continues to transform, I just want to be quiet. The battle I am facing with who I am as a person, how I feel, what I want and what I need, is not open for discussion with anyone else other than God and myself. There is still something I am in search of. I don’t have all the answers and to be honest, I don’t know what that something is. I know I carry myself with dignity and grace, but I promise I don’t have it all together. When you see me, understand, I am still trying to figure life out just like the next person. I didn’t even know who I was until a few years ago and now I don’t even feel like that person is me anymore. There are parts of me that have been sleep and I can’t play with time any longer. 🗣I NEED TO WAKE THE HELL UP! I felt fulfilled months ago and now the thought of being complacent is terrifying. Comfort has become scary to me because I never want to settle for the bare minimum. It’s time to move larger in life; make something more of myself; give more of myself. I’ve come so far and have accomplished so much to be where I am today, but I know there are things I need to be honest about and change within myself before I can transcend to this next level. I’ve slipped back into some old behaviors and I refuse to not learn the lesson, fail the tests and repeat the same old cycles.

On the flip side as I have gotten closer to this day, I’ve taken heed on how confident I am within myself. I spend way more time by myself nowadays. More often than I used to. I move at the beat of my own drum every single day and work on my own time. There is not one other person’s company I currently crave more than my own. I am at my most peaceful state when I am alone. Self love has become my main priority. There are so many things about me that I love, but there are just as many things about me that I am discovering that hinders my elevation. This period has been conducive to helping me identify with and shedding those behaviors.

“Calling yourself out on your own bullshit is primary self-care.”

– Ayishat A. Akanbi

To the people that have been patient and understanding with me as I grow through this next phase, I thank you so much. Your grace has been a lesson in itself. I pray that you are more pleased with the improved and healed me that is awaiting to greet you on the other side. Cheers 🥂 to 30: All the preparation is going to finally pay off because God is…!

***BONUS***

30 Life Lessons I’ve Learned In 30 Years

  1. Everyone is growing. You either grow with or outgrow each other.
  2. Meditation will change your life.
  3. Never be afraid to ask for assistance. We can’t do it all.
  4. Learn to accept constructive criticism without feeling attacked.
  5. People will say a lot without any action for as long as you accept it.
  6. Not everyone deserves access to your love.
  7. Your comfort zone is a dangerous place. Never remain complacent.
  8. If you’re not passionate about it, is it really worth the time?
  9. Longevity is key.
  10. Know your worth + add tax, and never compromise it.
  11. Continuously learn. You never know what doors a new skill will open for you.
  12. Look good and smell good, but don’t forget your confidence. It’ll take you far!
  13. Read often and watch how your vocabulary naturally advances.
  14. Experience is life’s best teacher.
  15. You can’t avoid setbacks but no matter the circumstance, you can bounce back.
  16. Learn the lesson to avoid repeating the test.
  17. Resilience/Dedication/Consistency will pay off. Don’t ever give up on your dreams.
  18. Don’t rush life trying to beat a time table. God has the final say.
  19. Be flexible.
  20. Spontaneity in moderation is a thrill worth feeling.
  21. Be honest with yourself and own your shit.
  22. Healthy love is the only option. Don’t let them convince you of anything less than.
  23. You can’t predict the future but you can take the necessary actions to create it.
  24. There is nothing wrong with seeing a therapist.
  25. You can’t change anyone other than yourself.
  26. Life goes on.
  27. People will pick apart your truth no matter what it is. Rumors/Opinions don’t deserve your attention.
  28. Self care is a necessity. You need time to recharge often.
  29. Never place your happiness in the hands of someone else.
  30. Everyone has their own definition of loyalty. Make sure you are knowledgeable of theirs.

2017 Year in Reflection

This year has felt like a lifetime. Everything accelerated within a twelve month span. But had it not been for the tools that the previous years equipped me with, I wouldn’t still be standing confidently today. If I had to think of the biggest lesson I learned, it would be: 2017 taught me to stand in my power. I learned the truest meaning of independence and self confidence.

Thankfully, 2015 taught me to be fearless. With that characteristic, when a new opportunity presented itself to me in January of this year, that was something I’d never done before, regardless of whatever, I found the courage within myself to push through. Being forced completely out of my comfort zone with the new opportunity helped me to realize that I am someone I never knew I was. My self confidence is now on another level. Definitely a breakthrough in knowing that on the other side of fear is self discovery.

2016 taught me to be proactive. This became a benefit to me in August of this year when I felt as if my life was in shambles. There’s always an angle that I have thought of so just in case, I can cope and persevere through effortlessly. Everything that could go wrong DID go wrong in August, but it taught me the art of letting go. Whatever the universe was doing, I wasn’t fighting it this time. Let the chips fall where they may but I will always be alright.

As proven, in fact, I was alright. By November, life had turned completely back around and having the right attitude was beginning to pay off. Here it is December, and my opportunities are constantly flowing in. My heart is grateful because the truest lesson of opposition has taught me that I’m unbreakable. I have overcome so much in the last 8 years that the problems I face now, I handle effortlessly.

That love that I used to gloat about all 2016 and halfway through this year? Well, it went stale! Nothing bad happened. We’re still cool and he’ll always be a love that changed me forever. But I definitely learned a new lesson with love: there’s no such thing as right person, wrong time. If the timing is wrong, so is the person and you can’t live your life on pause for the timing to align. Two years of that bliss feeling but just because it didn’t turn out the way I thought it would doesn’t mean it didn’t serve it’s purpose. Ultimately, I think the lesson of meeting him was to show me at a time where I thought I’d never be able to move on to anyone after my previous love, is that my heart could still feel “bigly” for someone else. He’s still one of my favorite people to have known, and although our friendship might be distant, the memories are forever. No matter how your heart feels, make sure your mind is never clouded by it. I was so quick to label this relationship as a “life partner” or a “soulmate” when the timing of life just proved that it was a “karmic relationship”. The lesson from that is, you still don’t know the purpose of someone’s existence in your life and you can’t really define it until you have had a quality amount of involvement to look back upon.

Currently, my focus is on nurturing my career. So much to look forward to. I accidentally fell into my purpose at the end of 2016 while I was working a career that has been in my blood and I am so good at. Here I am now, juggling two careers, two different lanes and yet thriving in both. My income is now tied to purpose and passion and it’s honestly the greatest feeling.

Astrology keeps hinting at this time of my life being golden for partnership and marriage. I want to believe it but I’ve gotten way too excited too soon recently. If marriage & kids are for me, then I’ll gladly accept that role when the time seems fit. But where I am internally, even if the universe doesn’t see that, that life is for me, I am also at peace with it. I’m not desperate, rushing a biological clock or timeline because what I won’t do, is settle for bad decisions. I have learned to release control of what things “should” be and accept life for what it is. I’m not going to stop living my best life no matter what cards are dealt to me. This is my happy currently and it’s peaceful while I’m playing my hand to its fullest extent!

In retrospect I learned that I am a very powerful visionary and my level of determination is legendary. I became a new me in 2015, so as we are hours away from a new year, a better me is awaiting. I’ll still love, still laugh, still give my all, still maintain my peace, still travel, and make sure i’m guided into intelligent decisions, just on a progressive level.

May 2018 be a life evolving year in a positive way for us all ✨